Like Dr. Albert Kinsey, who was a pioneer of sexual research, I too am interested in furthering the world’s carnal knowledge.

Therefore, I have opened the Anka Institute of Human Sexuality, devoted to the study of sexual practices and product testing for mankind’s benefit.

To conduct my research, I need a staff. I can’t do certain experiments myself because, well, I don’t have a penis. To assist me with my sexperiments, I placed a listing on craigslist.com in the “activity partners” section. It read in part: “Position open for sexual research. You will be paid for a weekend of sex research in New York City. You will be a guinea pig, but you will freaking love it.” More than 500 “Research Assistant” hopefuls applied.

And since I asked for credentials...

Bob, a software engineer, said he was “ten inches soft.” Bill, a physical therapist, promised he would “make my vagina talk.” One guy just said, “I am very, very horny.”

I eventually chose 29-year-old Steve, because he lived in New York City, was cute, and didn’t seem completely insane.

With Steve and me heading “The Institute,” we will discover better living through sexual chemistry. Our first lab experiment was to product test penis enlargers. We chose the “Penis Enlargement System” by Dr. Joel Kaplan, who calls himself the “pioneer of erection enhancement therapy.” He claims that his “medical vacuum pump” will enlarge a man’s penis 1-3 inches and “improve girth by 25%.”

For days, my associate worked with Dr. Kaplan’s pump, as well as two others: “The Overdrive” and the “Blue Veiner,” the latter endorsed by the APP – the“Association of Professional Pumpers.” Steve’s conclusion: “My penis didn’t get any bigger, but I think my foreskin got two inches longer.”

Our second task was to try out positions from the book, “The Art of Auto-Fellatio/Oral Sex for One,” also by Dr. Kaplan.

But in addition to Dr. Kaplan’s positions, I also had a brochure, courtesy of my London colleague, Dr. Tuppy Owens, called “Sucking Yourself Off.” It says, “Sit against a wall, swing leg over head, bend neck, and adjust position.” Steve worried that if he mastered the technique, he would never leave his house.

As we bent over trying the different positions, I couldn’t help but think, “If I could suck myself off, who would I think about? Myself? Someone else? We kept practicing. Steve was not as flexible as I was, but after trying several of the positions, I couldn’t even get close to “it.”

Our third experiment was to check out a local massage parlor. Looking for some “massage therapy,” we called up places with names like “Afternoon Delight” and “Paradise on the Table.”

I called one place and asked how much it would cost to watch. They hung up. Another place, however, was agreeable. Their ad promised a “sensual” and “therapeutic” staff of “leisure consultants.” The cost: $150 US dollars plus a $75 voyeur surcharge for me.

At the “spa,” an anonymous flat that looked like a doctor’s office, we were greeted by “Candy,” an attractive 22-yearold with long brown hair and bangs. She referred to herself as a “relaxation specialist.”

In a red brocade wallpapered room, she told Steve to take his clothes off and lie on his stomach. I’ve never seen anyone take his clothes off so fast in my life.

She dimmed the lights, put on some New Age-ish music, and rubbed his whole body with oil for five minutes. Then she stripped down to high heels and a black thong. As she told Steve about her Native American heritage, her “massage therapy” raised a half-tepee. Then she said, “You can feel my breasts and my ass.” Steve went for it and erected a full wigwam.

Next, she oiled his tomahawk. He was speechless.

At this point I wanted to participate, but I didn’t want to break the moment. Needless to say, the massage therapy was effective as a relaxation technique.

At that point, Steve asked her to rub his “taint.” Then, it was all over. Included in the price was a free cleanup.

Back at the lab, we analyzed our field data on a scale of one to ten. Steve said that the hand job itself was only about a 4.5. His findings: “I felt like I had just been milked.”

He also reported a half hard-on as he left, attributing this to a lack of body contact. “But the fact that I had a cute naked chick rubbing my research tool brought the total experience up to a 7.5,” he concluded.

As we dedicate ourselves to probing the horny frontier, our research continues...